In the past, I loved my
ability to plan ahead. Every week at work, I’d prepare a list of goals: Grade essays (two class sets per day), file
student work, call dj for dance, reorganize closet. My list making continued at
home. I memorized the grocery store, making my list in order so I could swing
through the aisles at warp speed. I jotted down goals for paying off debts and
objectives for dropping weight. I projected into the future with a six month,
one year, and five year plan. Sometimes, with my vision so focused upon
tomorrow, I think I missed some of the delights of the present.
The turn my life has
taken this last fifteen months means I’ve faced the challenge of changing my
mindset. Each morning I write down the date in my journal, and then my major
goal: STAY IN TODAY.
On the surface, this
seems a simple target, but for me it’s horrendously difficult. On the days I do
well, I find I have infinite patience. I don’t pressure myself under the weight
of all of the unknowns of tomorrow. Instead, I focus on stripping the beds,
flipping Mom’s pancakes, brushing the dogs’ teeth, and planning dinner. I look
at the bills and pay whatever’s in the stack and avoid the worry about what may
destroy our budget six months down the road. I doggedly place one foot in front
of the other and give myself a mental shake whenever I start to slip beyond
today
When I successfully STAY
IN TODAY, I relax. I take a moment to listen to bird call or appreciate the sun
as it dapples the back yard. I linger over words when I write. I laugh aloud at
Everybody Loves Raymond even if I’ve
seen the episode one-hundred times because my mother giggles the antics of Ray.
I remember to say, “I love you” and “Thank you” and to cherish the unending
support I get from my husband.
Old habits, though,
break down slowly. Last night my mind flitted into tomorrow’s possibilities,
and insomnia hit. I’d forgotten that when I delve into “what ifs” I find sleep
difficult. My imagination created scenarios of events unfolding over which I’ve
limited control. It wove tension into my stomach and pounded uncertainty into
my head. I found myself wondering why my inventiveness at night turns to the
darkest paths of pessimism. Eventually, I envisioned all of the troubles that
may loom ahead, and one-by-one I placed them into a bright yellow box. I sealed
the lid tightly and tucked it up on a shelf. Sleep embraced me almost
immediately
And so I find myself
feeling sluggish this morning. I’m a little peeved with myself at falling back
into my old pattern because trying to project into tomorrow holds too many
unknowns and wastes energy that I need now. When I picked up my journal, I neatly
placed in the date and bold block letters: STAY IN TODAY!
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| I'm learning to "Stop and smell the roses!" First blossom this year in our back yard |
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